I have to choose? I'm having difficulty cutting down from my top 30-odd.randomdude wrote:http://www.avalanchetankers.us/archives/000058.html
Post your faves here....
Probably both. Along with possibly testing to see if Catch 22 still applied. I also suspect that he may have watched far too much M.A.S.H.. Much of this, though, reminds me of myself in Grammar School, albeit somewhat bolderAvalanche Company wrote:[...] SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored [...]
.These also look like clues to his personalitySPC Schwarz wrote:16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
.SPC Schwarz wrote:32. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
33. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!' while out on a mission is bad.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
206. Not allowed to get shot.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
H.
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